From clever wordplay to cheeky observations, good roasts will tickle the funny bone and spark hilarious conversations. These witty and clever roast are the perfect for quick comeback, a funny insult, or something downright savage. Let funny roasts add a dash of humor to interactions with friends, family, or even good-natured rivals.
Table of Contents
Best Roasts
Where is your off button?
You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.
If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
I know you don’t like me, and that implies you need better taste.
When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and walk past.
Whatever doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
Someday you’ll go far. And I really hope you stay there.
I’m no an astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the Sun… not you.
You are the sun in my life… now get 93 million miles away from me.
You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
I’d give you a nasty look, but it seems like you’ve already got one.
You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.
You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
There is someone out there for everyone. For you, it’s a therapist.
If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
You haven’t changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you.
Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
Your bad personality is the reason I prefer animals to humans.
Whoever told you to be yourself, gave you a bad advice.
Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
You hear that? It’s the sound of me not caring.
I didn’t mean to offend you… but it was a huge plus.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
I might be fully vaccinated, but I’m still not going to hang out with you.
I don’t hate you, but if you were drowning, I would give you a high five.
I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
Funny Roasts
You’re so annoying, you could make a Happy Meal cry.
If I throw a stick, will you leave me too?
I’ve been called worse things by better men.
Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Sorry I can’t think of an insult dumb enough for you to understand.
You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
You know, you’re just not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.
You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
I would smack you, but I’m against animal abuse.
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
You have a face that makes onions cry.
It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
Have a nice day… somewhere else.
I like the way you comb your hair, so horns don’t show up.
That sounds like a you problem.
How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
You do realize we’re just tolerating you, right?
I believed in evolution until I met you.
Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult for stupid people.
It’s really fun watching you try to understand everything that’s being said about you.
I told my therapist about you; she didn’t believe me.
I envy people who have never met you.
Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
You are even more useless than the ‘ueue’ in queue.
Did you know your incubator had tinted windows? That explains a lot.
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
The real heroes in this world are the ones who have to live with you.
The last time I saw something like you, it was behind metal grids.
Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
Good Comebacks
Somewhere out there a tree is producing oxygen for you. What a shame.
If I had a dollar every time you shut up, I would give it back as a thank you.
Everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing the privilege.
Honey, only thing bothering me is placed between your ears.
You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
Only thing that is pleasing about our relationship is that you are no longer in it.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
Every time I have a stick in my hand, you look like a pinata.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.
You are like a software update. every time I see you, I immediately think “not now”.
You are the reason why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.
When I look at you, I think to myself where have you been my whole life? Can you go back there?
I didn’t mean to offend you… but I’ll take it as an additional perk.
I don’t want to rain on your parade. I want to summon a typhoon.
I think you just need a high five… in the face… with a chair.
Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
You can’t imagine how much happiness you can bring… by leaving the room.
When I listen to you, I think you really going to go far. I hope you stay there.
People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
I’ve been called worse things by better men.
I look at you and think what a waste of two billion years of the evolution.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
Funny Insults
You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.
I know I make stupid choices, but you’re the worst of all my choices.
Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone.
I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
When you start talking, I stop listening.
You deserve to be loved… from a distance.
You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
I’m listening. I just need a minute to process so much stupid information at once.
Remember, if anyone says you’re beautiful, it’s all lies.
The good books say to make good friends, but I think I made a mistake.
Don’t worry… the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
You make me increase the amount of caffeine I take daily.
I’ve been called worse by better.
If I throw a stick, will you chase it? I really want out of this conversation.
You’re the reason gene pools need lifeguards.
Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
Savage Roasts
A glowstick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer, too.
Grab a straw, because you suck.
If you ever need to find higher ground, you can always try climbing up your own ego.
You are the human version of cramps.
There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
Have you ever tried not being an idiot?
Don’t get bitter, just get better.
You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it suddenly becomes a beautiful day.
Are you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
Maybe you should try eating make-up to improve that ugly personality.
Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
If laughter really is the best medicine, your face might just cure the world’s deadliest diseases.
May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
You’ll never be the man your mom is.
I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
It would be a great day if you accidentally used a glue stick instead of Chapstick.
It’s the parents’ job to raise their children right. So looking at you, it’s obvious that they quit after just one day.
I know you don’t like me, that says a lot. You need to acquire a better taste.
I believe you can achieve anything. Look around; there are plenty of dumb people out there who you could aspire to be.
It’s all about balance… you start talking, I stop listening.
Good Roasts That Rhyme
Everybody knows that you’re stupid… thought you could fall in love because you saw a fake cupid.
I’m not trying to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two.
Roses are red, violets are blue, so many people are pretty, but what happened to you?
It’s not my fault, it’s everyone’s opinion, I’m pretty cool, and you’re just a minion.
Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don’t want to be mean, but you need Listerine.
Don’t feel bad, don’t feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!
If I were a dog and you were a flower, I’d lift my leg up and give you a shower.
Roses are red, monsters are green, look in the mirror, you’ll see what I mean.
I’m the type of person to laugh at mistakes, so sorry if I laugh at your face.
