236+ Best Dad Jokes Ever: Funniest Jokes to Tell

Ah, dad jokes. Laugh until you cry with the best dad jokes around! Whether you’re looking for a silly pun to share with your family or a chuckle-worthy one-liner to spice up your next dinner party, you’ll find hilarious dad jokes that you can’t help but laugh at… So get your sense of humor ready and prepare yourself for some of the worst dad puns you’ve ever heard – funniest dad jokes ever!

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Best Corny Dad Jokes

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.

How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.

Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.

What do you call a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

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What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.

Why are pigs so bad at sports? Because they always hog the ball.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

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How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.’

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.

Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

I hit in the head with a soda can. Thankfully it was a soft drink.

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Funny Dad Jokes

What’s the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.

I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

RIP boiling water, you will be mist.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it’s more of a wrap.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!

What’s a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.

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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

A witch’s vehicle goes brrroom brrroom!

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

If the early bird catches the worm, I’ll sleep in until there are pancakes.

How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.

How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

Why’d the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

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What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Keep the dream alive and hit the snooze button.

My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

I’m afraid of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.

Best One-Liner Dad Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it’s the whole sentence.

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.

That car looks nice, but the muffler seems exhausted.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.

I had a dream about being a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.

What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently, I couldn’t concentrate.

Talk is cheap until you talk to a lawyer.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Funniest Dad Jokes

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.

What did the police officer say to his bellybutton? You’re under a vest.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me.

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels overhead!

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said “Maybe…”

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Best Dad Joke Puns

What did the vet say to the cat? How are you feline?

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

What happens when M&M’s can’t agree on anything? They reach an M-passe.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

What’s a robot’s favorite snack? Computer chips.

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

Why are piggy banks so wise? They’re filled with common cents.

What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.

What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

Can February March? No, but April May!

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.

How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.

Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A songbird.

Why can’t the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!

Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends