Funny Love Quotes For Him

These funny love quotes for him will add fun to your relationship with humor and make him smile. Let hilarious love quotes for him capture the special feeling of falling in love, and laugh at all the crazy emotions you feel.

Funny Love Quotes For Him

My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan. – Leopold Fetchner

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. – David Sedaris

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Love is sharing your popcorn. – Charles Schultz

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Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.

Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. – English Proverb

Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. – Judith Viorst

I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. – Chico Marx

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. – Spanish Proverb

He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. – Ring Lardner

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. – Jean Kerr

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. – Fran Lebowitz

Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.

Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly

Love is telling someone that his zipper is open or her wig looks too fake.

Falling in love with you sure beats the other falls I had today!

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What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. – Cindy Garner

You’re basically the cutest thing I’ve ever loved, after my kitten.

What’s more adorable than a baby panda snuggling a baby chick? Our love.

According to Newton’s Law of love, love can neither be created nor destroyed. However, it can create a girlfriend who can destroy wallets.

If our love were a triangle, it’d be a-cute one!

If love is a blunder, then it means that the biggest fault in my life is loving you.

If you checked with your doctor, I bet he’d say you’ve got a bad case of being loveable.

Will you lend me a kiss? I promise to give it back.

You’re adorable because I’m able to adore you.

My head and my heart will never cease their endless war. When my head says ‘I don’t care, my heart says ‘I do care’. When my head says ‘I’m not thinking about her, my heart says ‘of course you do.’

Money can’t buy me happiness, but loving you can!

It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.

Your hugs trap me like a fly in a window.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein

Love makes people do silly things. For instance, it made me send you this message!

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Thomas Dewar

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You’re so cute Gerber called, they want you as their next spokesperson!

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns

You must be made of Iodine, Livermorium, and Uranium because I Lv U!

I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. – Elizabeth Evans

You’ve got everything I’ll ever need: strong arms, a loving heart, and a freezer full of ice cream!

The four most important words in any marriage. I’ll do the dishes.

I used to be addicted to coffee, now I’m addicted to you!

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. – Charles M. Schulz

Thank goodness my heart has four parts, otherwise I don’t know where I’d keep all my love for you!

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

You have the key to my heart, please don’t make any copies!

If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. – Miles Davis

My heart skips a beat when I see others in love, but it gallops when I think of you.

My mind works great wonder 365 days a year, 7 days a week and 24 hours a day until I met you.

I wore my heart on my sleeve, so you took it; you can keep the heart, but can I have my sleeve back?

Don’t feel bad if you see your ex with someone else. Remember, our parents taught us to give the things we don’t need to the less fortunate.

Thanks for always seeing that the fullness of my heart far outweighs the fullness of my bra.

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I want to be the reason when you look down on your phone, you’ll have this goofy smile in your face and jump up and down like a silly little girl, and then fall down a manhole.

If you turn a heart upside-down, it looks like conjoined twin raindrops; that’s how I feel when I’m with you.

During my days, the teenagers talk about movies, music and love. Now, all the kids talk about are sex, relationship and heartbreak.

Your snoring kept waking me up last night; thankfully, my love for you helped me back to sleep.

Love is like a headache or a backache. It does not show in the MRI or X-ray, but you just know that it’s there.

Your love wakes me up like a toddler with espresso.

Staying in love for more than 5 years is almost impossible. Staying in love with the same person for you’re the rest of your life is a miracle.

I love you so much I thought you were a dream, but I woke up and you were still here. So, I thought you were one of those dreams where I wake up in the dream and think it’s real life!

Marriage does not only require you to deal with expenses and the toilet seat, you also have to deal with feelings and the last resort, the lawyers.

I love being with you so much I don’t want to say goodnight, so I won’t!

Promise yourself not to be a woman who needs a man to live, but a woman a man needs.

I love waking up to your face. The morning breath, not so much, but your face is great!

You will always be my 11:11 and the name I write in my naughty list.

Every day should start with you, and coffee, but definitely you too!

Girls cry their eyes out until they are dry, while boys drink their beers until their mugs are all dried up.

I love you a lottle, its like a little but a lot. – Unknown

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I wish there’s a traffic light to tell me when to stop, go and slow down when I took this road of falling in love.

His smile. His eyes. His lips. His hair. His laugh. His hands. His smirk. His humor. His weird face. – Unknown

I want to be your sweet good morning, your lovely good night and your most painful goodbye.

What is love? It is the morning and the evening star. – Sinclair Lewis

Stop waiting for your prince in a white horse. Go and find him. The poor bastard might be lost, stuck in an island or something.

Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite. – Unknown

To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.

I can talk to hundreds of people in one day but none of them compare to the smile you can give me in one minute. – Unknown

Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms. – J. P. Senn

Your heart and my heart are very, very old friends. – Hafez

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. – Elayne Boosler

He’s annoying he’s hilarious, he makes me yell, he drives me crazy, he’s out of his mind but he’s everything I want. – Unknown

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. – Richard Lewis

We love the things we love for what they are. – Robert Frost

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Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. – Kathy Mohnke

In case you ever foolishly forget: I am never not thinking of you. – Virginia Wolf

Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones

Even if the universe tries everything to keep us apart, I will never give up on our love. – Unknown

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. – Bill Maher

Love is friendship set on fire. – Jeremy Taylor

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. – Ray Romano

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. – Professor Irwin Corey

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. – Cindy Garner

If forever does exist, please let it be you… – A.R Asher

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools. – Katherine Mansfield

Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do. – Bettina Arndt

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain. – William Shakespeare

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You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.

You’re just like bacon, beer and chocolate – you make everything better.

Loss for words? Give that person a hug. It’s worth a thousand and more. Plus, it’s free.

You’re the cheese on top of my spaghetti, the cream on top of my frappuccino and the cheesecake on my red velvet cake.

You are the cause why my eyeglasses fog.

A person in love partly becomes a poet, a composer and the corniest person in the room.

You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together. – Nicholas Sparks

I want someone who will pause his game just to answer my call.

You’ll know a person is in love when he can laugh like a fool by himself and keeps a goofy smile plastered on his face all day long.

Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. – Carroll Bryant

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke

You’re kinda, sorta, basically, pretty much always on my mind. – Unknown

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An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. – Pauline Thomason

Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. – Helen Gurley Brown

I had a dream that i still loved you. I think I woke up screaming. – Christine

We love because it’s the only true adventure. – Nikki Giovanni

Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills. – Jessica Martin

It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. – Lucille Ball

I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a care bear, I’d definitely fight a care bear for you.

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. – Les Dawson

People should fall in love with their eyes closed. – Andy Warhol

If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. – Chelsea Peretti

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell

And I’d choose you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality. I’d find you and I’d choose you. – Unknown

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. – Russell Brand

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. – Natasha Leggero

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I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt. – Henny Youngman

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. – Garry Shandling

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. – Richard Jeni

In all the world there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world there is no love for you like mine. – Maya Angelou

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. – Jerry Seinfeld

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. – Chelsea Handler

Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns

When I follow my heart, it leads me to you. – Unknown

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. – Fran Lebowitz

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. – Rodney Dangerfield

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I want to punch you in the face. – Unknown

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny

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Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Women love a self-confident bald man. – Larry David

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – Steven Wright

My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.

If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. – J.A. Redmerski

Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself. – Andre Breton

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me… Never getting it back. – Refinnej Sin

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. – Hussein Nishah

In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left. – Solitaire Parke

Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore. – Bree Luckey

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. – Rodney D

Love is like finding a needle in a haystack. – FaithHopeNLove

Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock. – Jewish Proverbangerfield

We’re like Romeo & Juliet.. Except for the dying part of course. – Justina

The key to a successful relationship is to clear your internet history. – Quoteistan

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Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. – Judith Viorst

I am in love with him his dark side his changing tides his bedroom eyes the way he looks at me he is everything I see and I am in love with him. – N. R. Hart

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. – Mark W. Boyer

In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place. – Rowland

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen

Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. – Tim Allen

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? – Lilly Tomlin

The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? – Freud

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. – Bob Hope

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. – Oscar Wilde

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is being stupid together. – Paul Valery

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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

I love you and it’s getting worse. – Joseph E. Morris

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. – Jules Renard

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. – Lemony Snicket

Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. – Ralphie May

The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. – Coleridge

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henry Youngman

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I solemnly swear I am up to no good especially when I am all alone with you.

You are the pain in my butt, the dent in my wallet and the scratches in my brand new car that I don’t mind.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist. – James Garner

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since. – Arturo Toscanini

This is as close as I can get to describing it – a hot pancake with butter melting on top and a steaming cup of coffee as soon as I open my eyes. That’s how wonderful it is to wake up knowing you are mine and I am yours.

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks; it looks easy until you try it. – Helen Rowland

Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry out the trash. – Joyce Brothers

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

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When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating.

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.

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